Helping a Loved One Recognize Unhealthy Habits: A Guide to Encouragement Without Overstepping
In every close relationship, there may come a time when you notice someone you love struggling with unhealthy habits or behaviors. It could be a friend spiraling into self-isolation, a partner overusing alcohol to cope, or a sibling consistently overextending themselves to the point of burnout. Seeing this happen can be painful, and the natural urge is to step in and help. But how can you navigate this sensitive situation without overstepping boundaries or causing harm to your relationship?
This is a story about Sam and his sister, Mia, to help illustrate what it looks like to help someone recognize unhealthy habits while respecting their autonomy.
Sam and Mia’s Story
Sam noticed his sister Mia becoming increasingly withdrawn over the past few months. Once an outgoing person, Mia had stopped reaching out to friends and declined family gatherings. Sam also realized she was drinking more often, her social media posts late at night betraying sleeplessness and restlessness.
Sam cared deeply about Mia and wanted to help, but he feared pushing her away. He remembered a time when he had struggled with anxiety and someone’s well-meaning but forceful intervention had made him defensive instead of receptive. Sam wanted to approach Mia with empathy and care, not judgment.
One evening, while they were catching up, Sam said, “Hey, I’ve noticed you seem a bit off lately. I’m here if you want to talk about anything.”
At first, Mia shrugged it off, saying she was just tired from work. Sam didn’t push further. Instead, he made a conscious effort to show up for Mia in small, consistent ways—calling her to check in, inviting her over for dinner, and gently offering a listening ear. Over time, Mia began to open up about her stress and how she’d been coping with it.
Sam didn’t immediately suggest solutions or point out her habits. Instead, he validated her feelings, saying, “That sounds really hard, Mia. I’ve been there too, and it’s tough to carry all of that on your own.”
Eventually, Mia felt comfortable enough to share how overwhelmed she felt. It was only then that Sam suggested, “You know, when I went through something similar, talking to someone really helped me. Have you ever thought about that?”
Mia was initially hesitant, but Sam’s nonjudgmental approach made her feel supported rather than criticized. She eventually agreed to explore therapy, with Sam offering to help her research therapists.
What Worked for Sam
Sam’s approach highlights several key principles when trying to help a loved one recognize unhealthy habits:
Approach with empathy, not judgment.
Sam focused on expressing care rather than pointing out Mia’s faults. This aligns with research showing that people are more likely to change when they feel supported rather than criticized (Miller & Rollnick, 2013).
Be patient and consistent.
Change doesn’t happen overnight. By consistently showing up for Mia, Sam created a safe environment where she felt comfortable opening up.
Validate their feelings.
Sam avoided minimizing Mia’s experiences and instead validated her emotions, which is a critical step in helping someone feel understood (Rogers, 1957).
Plant seeds rather than force change.
Instead of demanding Mia seek help, Sam gently planted the idea of therapy, allowing her to consider it on her own terms.
When to Intervene and When to Step Back
It’s important to recognize that not every situation requires intervention. Here are some guidelines to help you determine when and how to step in:
Appropriate Times to Intervene
The behavior poses a serious risk. If someone’s habits are endangering their health or safety (e.g., substance abuse, self-harm, or suicidal ideation), intervention is necessary. In these cases, you may need to involve a professional or emergency services.
They express a desire for change. If your loved one acknowledges their struggles and seems open to help, you can offer support by helping them find resources or providing encouragement.
You have a close, trusting relationship. If your bond allows for honest conversations, you’re more likely to be heard and less likely to damage the relationship.
When Not to Intervene
You’re motivated by control, not care. If your desire to intervene is more about fixing someone to align with your expectations, it’s time to step back.
They’ve explicitly asked for space. Respecting boundaries is critical, even when you believe someone needs help.
You lack the emotional capacity. Helping others requires emotional energy. If you’re stretched too thin, it’s okay to step back and encourage them to seek help elsewhere.
Encouraging Help Without Overstepping
If you’ve determined it’s appropriate to intervene, here are some practical tips:
Use “I” statements. For example, “I’ve noticed you seem really stressed, and I’m worried about you,” rather than “You’ve been acting really unhealthy lately.” This approach reduces defensiveness.
Offer specific support. Instead of vague offers like “Let me know if you need anything,” suggest something concrete, like helping them find a therapist or accompanying them to an appointment.
Set boundaries. Supporting someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your well-being. Be clear about what you can and can’t offer, and encourage them to build a broader support network.
Know when to involve professionals. If your loved one’s situation is beyond your ability to help, encourage them to seek professional help. In emergencies, don’t hesitate to call for immediate assistance.
The Takeaway
Helping a loved one recognize their unhealthy habits requires a delicate balance of empathy, patience, and respect for their autonomy. Sam and Mia’s story reminds us that change is a process, not a demand. By showing consistent support and planting seeds of encouragement, you can help your loved one take the first steps toward a healthier life—when they’re ready.
Sources
Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change. Guilford Press.
Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95-103.
National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Helping Someone in Crisis. Retrieved from www.nimh.nih.gov