Living Unmasked: Embracing Your Full Self
Imagine a child in a bustling classroom. She sits at her desk, holding her breath as the teacher calls on students to share their thoughts. She’s rehearsed her answer a dozen times in her head, crafting it to sound "normal," to hide the rapid-fire way her mind connects ideas. But when her turn comes, she mumbles, “Pass.” She fears her real self is too much, too different. She’s learned to mask.
Masking, for many neurodivergent individuals, is the act of concealing parts of themselves to fit into a world that feels unkind to difference. Whether you’re autistic, have ADHD, live with anxiety, or belong to any marginalized identity, masking can become second nature—a survival mechanism. But it comes at a cost.
What Is Masking?
Masking is often described as putting on a socially acceptable façade to navigate a world that doesn’t always accommodate differences. For neurodivergent people, this might mean mimicking social cues, suppressing stimming (repetitive movements or sounds that regulate emotions), or hiding challenges like sensory overwhelm. Research highlights that masking is not limited to neurodivergence—it also appears among individuals hiding aspects of their identity, like sexual orientation or cultural heritage (Cook et al., 2021).
Masking is exhausting. A study in Autism found that frequent masking correlates with burnout, depression, and anxiety (Hull et al., 2017). It’s a form of emotional labor that leaves individuals feeling disconnected from their true selves.
The Hidden Cost of Masking
Let me tell you about Emma, a former client (shared with permission). Emma is a 32-year-old woman with autism who spent decades perfecting her social mask. She memorized jokes, mimicked small talk, and downplayed her love of trains and historical documentaries. By all appearances, Emma was "thriving" in her office job. But inside, she felt invisible.
After years of masking, Emma began to experience what she described as “emotional whiplash.” She couldn’t reconcile her public persona with her private self. Every “You’re so normal!” compliment stung. She told me, “I’ve worked so hard to be someone I’m not, and it doesn’t feel like a victory. It feels like defeat.”
Her story is not unique. Masking might allow individuals to blend in, but it often isolates them from authentic connections. Worse, masking can make it harder to identify what we truly need. When you’re pretending everything is fine, how can you ask for help?
The Journey to Living Unmasked
Living as your full self is an act of courage, especially in a world that often asks us to conform. It’s not about shedding every mask all at once—that’s neither practical nor safe in every setting. Instead, it’s about finding spaces where your authentic self can breathe.
Emma’s first step was small: she allowed herself to stim in private. Tapping her fingers rhythmically during moments of stress helped her feel grounded. From there, she began seeking out autistic communities online. She discovered the phrase, “Nothing about us without us,” and realized she wasn’t alone in her experiences.
Her turning point came at a family gathering. When a relative teased her for “always talking about the same things,” she responded with a quiet but firm, “I like what I like, and that’s okay.” It wasn’t a grand moment, but it was hers.
Practical Steps to Embrace Your Full Self
If you’ve been masking, the idea of living authentically can feel daunting. Here are some steps to get started:
Identify Your Masks: Reflect on the ways you present yourself differently in social situations. Do you laugh at jokes you don’t find funny? Suppress your natural interests or quirks?
Find Your Safe Spaces: Whether it’s a friend, support group, or online community, find people who accept you as you are. Shared understanding can make unmasking feel less intimidating.
Reframe Your Narrative: Instead of viewing your traits as flaws to hide, see them as strengths. Neurodivergent minds bring creativity, innovation, and unique perspectives.
Set Boundaries: Not everyone deserves your full self. Choose where and with whom you unmask. It’s okay to prioritize your safety and comfort.
Practice Self-Compassion: If you slip back into masking, that’s okay. Unlearning is a process, and it takes time.
The Power of Unmasking
Living as your full self doesn’t mean you’ll never mask again. Instead, it means recognizing that your worth is not tied to how well you fit into society’s mold. It’s about giving yourself permission to exist—fully, unapologetically, and with all the beautiful complexity you bring to the world.
Emma’s journey is ongoing, but her unmasking has brought her closer to the people who truly matter. She told me recently, “The more I show who I am, the more I find people who love me for it. It’s worth it.”
Her words remind us that authenticity is not just a gift we give ourselves—it’s an invitation for others to meet us where we are.
Sources
Cook, J., Hull, L., Crane, L., & Mandy, W. (2021). Masking and its consequences: Understanding the lived experiences of neurodivergent individuals. Autism Research.
Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). "Putting on My Best Normal": Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534.