Reparenting Yourself: Giving What You Never Got By someone who gets it
There are things I didn’t know I needed until I started giving them to myself.
Gentle reminders like: You’re not lazy—you’re tired.
Or: It’s okay to rest before you’re exhausted.
Or maybe the hardest one: You’re allowed to want things. You don’t have to earn love by being useful.
This is reparenting.
It’s the slow, intentional work of becoming the parent you always needed—maybe the one you never had. It’s learning how to hold yourself through disappointment, care for yourself when you’re sick, forgive yourself when you mess up, and celebrate yourself for simply being alive.
And no, it’s not fair that you have to do this for yourself now. But you can. And it’s powerful.
What Is Reparenting?
Reparenting is a psychological concept popularized in part by inner child work and trauma therapy. It means meeting your core emotional needs—safety, validation, love, and boundaries—in ways that support healing and integration (Capacchione, 2000; Schwartz, 2021). If your caregivers were absent, abusive, emotionally immature, or simply unequipped, you may have grown up believing that your needs were too much or that you had to perform in order to be accepted.
And when we grow up without emotional attunement, we learn to abandon ourselves just to survive.
Reparenting helps us come back.
How to Reparent Yourself
Start with Your Inner Dialogue
What tone do you use when you talk to yourself? Are you gentle? Or do you sound like the people who hurt you?
Would you say those same words to a child? If not—pause. Try again. Begin with something simple:
“I know you’re doing your best. I’m here. I’ve got you.”
This shift in tone may feel awkward at first. That’s okay. You’re unlearning years of internalized criticism. Be patient with the process.
Validate Your Needs
You were always allowed to need comfort, protection, affection, space, and understanding. If no one gave that to you back then, you might struggle to give it to yourself now.
Try saying: “Of course you feel that way.”
“That makes sense.”
“I’m not going to shame you for needing love.”
These small validations are how trust is built—just like with a real child. Except now, the child is you.
Set Boundaries Like a Grown-Up Who Cares
Reparenting isn’t just softness. Sometimes it’s saying: “Hey, I know you want to please everyone right now, but I’m not going to let you abandon yourself again.”
Healthy boundaries are a form of love. Not punishment. Not selfishness. They’re what create safety—especially for the parts of you that never had it.
Offer Comfort Without Condition
You don’t have to earn rest. Or affection. Or a quiet evening to yourself. You’re allowed to comfort yourself simply because you’re alive.
That might look like:
Wrapping up in a blanket when you feel small
Drinking water when you're anxious, like you’d offer a child a glass after a hard cry
Letting yourself cry, journal, pace, or hold a stuffed animal—yes, even as an adult
There’s no shame in nurturing yourself. This is how healing happens.
A Personal Note
I didn’t grow up with parents who always knew how to hold space. Maybe you didn’t either. Maybe you were the one holding everything—for everyone. Maybe you were the fixer, the peacekeeper, the one who disappeared to keep the peace.
When I started learning how to reparent myself, I didn’t know where to begin. But I kept showing up. Kept trying. And somewhere along the way, that old ache in my chest—the one that whispered you’re too much—started to soften.
Because I’m not too much. And neither are you.
You are worthy of the care you offer everyone else. And it’s not too late to receive it. Even from yourself.
Sources:
Capacchione, L. (2000). Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self.
Schwartz, R. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model.
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.