The Courage to Be Disliked: Lessons from Adlerian Theory
In life, many of us strive to be liked. We shape our behaviors, choices, and even our beliefs around the desire for acceptance, approval, and harmony. Yet, this relentless pursuit often leaves us feeling unfulfilled, drained, or inauthentic. The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga challenges this narrative using Adlerian psychology as a framework for understanding how embracing the possibility of being disliked can lead to a freer, more meaningful life.
What Is Adlerian Psychology?
Alfred Adler, the founder of Adlerian psychology, believed that human behavior is driven by a need for connection and purpose. Unlike Freud, who emphasized past trauma, Adlerian theory focuses on the present and future, suggesting that our choices—not our circumstances—shape our lives. Central to this approach is the idea that we can liberate ourselves from the fear of being disliked by understanding and reframing our social relationships.
Adler proposed that much of our dissatisfaction comes from placing excessive importance on how others perceive us. The antidote, as presented in The Courage to Be Disliked, is learning to differentiate between what belongs to us and what belongs to others—a concept Adler called "separating tasks."
The “Tasks” of Life: What Belongs to Whom?
Adlerian theory emphasizes the idea that everyone has their own tasks in life—responsibilities, choices, and consequences that are uniquely theirs. Often, we take on others' tasks as our own, seeking their approval or avoiding conflict. This, in turn, creates unnecessary emotional burdens and can lead to resentment or inauthentic living.
For example, imagine you're at a family dinner and someone criticizes your life choices. Adlerian psychology invites you to ask:
Who owns this task? In this case, the criticism reflects their perspective and feelings, not yours.
What is my responsibility here? Your responsibility is only to act in alignment with your values—not to change someone else's opinion.
Adler's radical insight is that you are not obligated to be liked by others. Their opinions of you are their tasks, not yours.
The Courage to Be Disliked
The book explains that the fear of being disliked stems from the belief that our worth is tied to others' validation. Adlerian psychology reframes this fear as an obstacle to authentic self-expression. To live fully, you must be willing to embrace the discomfort of being disliked—because living authentically sometimes conflicts with others' expectations.
This doesn't mean becoming insensitive or abandoning kindness. Rather, it means letting go of the need to be liked. The authors argue that striving to please everyone leads to self-sacrifice and prevents true connection.
Adopting an Adlerian Mindset: Steps Toward Authenticity
Accept the Freedom to Choose
Adlerian theory posits that we are not victims of our past or others' opinions. We have the freedom to choose how we act and respond. Recognizing this freedom helps us focus on what truly matters: living in alignment with our values.
Understand "Horizontal Relationships"
Adler emphasized the importance of equality in relationships. He described ideal relationships as "horizontal," where no one is above or below another. Striving for equality in relationships helps reduce the fear of judgment or rejection.
Separate Tasks
Ask yourself: Is this my task? If it isn't, let it go. For example, if a coworker dislikes your ideas, that's their task. Your task is to share your ideas authentically, not to win their approval.
Embrace Contribution Over Recognition
Instead of seeking praise or validation, focus on contributing to the world in meaningful ways. Adlerian psychology teaches that true happiness comes from feeling useful, not from being admired.
Cultivate Courage
The courage to be disliked is, at its core, the courage to live authentically. It’s about showing up as yourself, even when it risks criticism or misunderstanding. This courage creates the conditions for genuine relationships, where you are loved for who you are—not for how well you conform to others' expectations.
Why It’s Okay to Be Disliked
Ultimately, Adlerian psychology suggests that being disliked isn’t a reflection of your worth—it’s a reflection of differing priorities, perspectives, or values. When you let go of the need to be universally liked, you gain the freedom to focus on what truly matters: living a life of purpose, connection, and authenticity.
Conclusion
The Courage to Be Disliked offers a liberating perspective on self-worth and human relationships. It teaches us that while being disliked may feel uncomfortable, it’s often necessary for living an authentic and fulfilling life. Through Adlerian principles, we can learn to separate our tasks from others', embrace the freedom to be ourselves, and find the courage to be disliked—all while fostering deeper, more meaningful connections with those who truly matter.