The Hidden Cost of Masking: Why We Do It and How It Affects Us
Have you ever found yourself pretending to be someone you're not? Smiling when you're sad, acting confident when you're nervous, or downplaying a part of who you are to fit in? If so, you've experienced something called masking.
What is Masking?
Masking is when people hide their true feelings, behaviors, or identities to meet societal expectations or avoid judgment. This behavior is especially common in neurodiverse individuals, such as those with ADHD or autism, but it can happen to anyone. Whether it’s putting on a brave face at work, suppressing emotions in a relationship, or pretending to be more "neurotypical," masking can be a way of surviving in environments that don’t always feel welcoming.
But why do we mask, and what does it cost us in the long run?
Why Do We Mask?
We mask for many reasons, often tied to the need for acceptance, safety, or belonging. For neurodivergent individuals, masking may start early in life. Children learn that their natural behaviors—stimming (self-soothing repetitive behaviors), talking about specific interests, or needing extra time to process information—might be seen as "weird" or "different." To avoid teasing or isolation, they might learn to hide these behaviors.
But it’s not just those with neurodiversity who mask. Anyone might mask parts of themselves to fit in socially, avoid conflict, or succeed in a particular setting. This could mean staying silent about your true opinions in a meeting, dressing a certain way to be accepted, or suppressing emotions to appear “strong.” Masking can sometimes be a helpful tool for navigating stressful situations, but the long-term impact can be harmful.
How Does Masking Help Us—and Hurt Us?
Masking can help in the short term by making social interactions smoother or reducing the risk of confrontation. If you’re at a job interview, for example, you might hide your nervousness to appear more confident. But while this may get you through the interview, doing this over a long period can lead to burnout.
For neurodiverse individuals, masking can be particularly exhausting. It often requires constant monitoring of behavior, speech, and body language to fit in, leading to what many describe as a "social hangover"—a feeling of deep fatigue after social situations where they had to mask extensively. Some studies suggest that masking among autistic individuals is linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and even thoughts of suicide .
Over time, masking can create a disconnect between who we are and who we present to the world. This can damage self-esteem and make it harder to form genuine connections. When we’re always acting, we risk losing sight of who we really are.
A Short Story: "Eli’s Mask"
Eli, a 30-year-old man diagnosed with autism, has been masking for as long as he can remember. At work, Eli often hides his discomfort when the office becomes noisy, even though it leaves him feeling overstimulated and anxious. He never talks about his special interests because he worries his coworkers will think he's odd. Instead, Eli mimics their conversations, talks about topics that don’t interest him, and nods along when he doesn’t understand.
Outside of work, Eli feels the same pressure. At social gatherings, he suppresses his urge to stim (his way of releasing tension) by fidgeting with his keys or avoiding eye contact. While Eli has learned to mask so well that most people don’t notice anything, he often feels mentally and emotionally drained after interacting with others.
Over time, this has taken a toll. Eli finds himself withdrawing more and more, feeling too exhausted to keep up appearances. He wonders if people would still accept him if they saw the real him—the one who loves in-depth conversations about astronomy, needs breaks during long meetings, and feels more comfortable stimming when he’s stressed. The burden of masking has become too heavy, but Eli doesn't know how to stop.
How to Recognize and Reduce Masking
If you find yourself masking in social settings, it might be helpful to ask yourself a few questions:
Why am I masking? Is it because you fear judgment, or is it out of habit?
How does masking make me feel? Does it help in the moment but leave you drained later?
When am I my true self? Is there a safe space where you don’t feel the need to mask?
Once you become aware of your masking, you can take steps to reduce it. Here are a few ideas:
Find safe spaces: Whether it’s a supportive friend, a therapist, or a community of like-minded people, having a place where you can be your true self can make a huge difference.
Practice self-acceptance: Remind yourself that you don’t need to be perfect or fit into every social expectation. Authenticity is more valuable than conformity.
Balance is key: There may still be situations where masking feels necessary, but it’s important to balance this with moments where you allow yourself to be fully seen.
Conclusion: The Cost of Hiding
While masking can be a useful social tool, over-relying on it can be harmful. It’s a survival mechanism, but one that comes at a cost. Whether you're neurodiverse or simply navigating a world full of social expectations, it’s important to find a balance between fitting in and staying true to yourself. You deserve to be seen for who you really are.
If you’ve been masking and feeling exhausted, you're not alone. Recognizing this behavior is the first step toward creating a life where you can thrive without hiding. And remember, you don’t have to do it all at once—start small, and find the spaces where you can show up as your authentic self.
Feel free to reach out to Artist Eye Counseling if you need support on this journey. We’re here to help.
References:
Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., et al. (2020). "Putting on My Best Normal": Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 50(6), 2244–2256.
Lai, M.-C., Lombardo, M. V., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2014). Autism. The Lancet, 383(9920), 896–910.