Understanding Boundaries and How They Shape Our Lives
At Artist Eye Counseling, we often talk about boundaries as key components of emotional health, especially for individuals with trauma or disabilities. But what are boundaries, and why are they so essential to our well-being?
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our physical, emotional, and mental health. These limits define what we’re comfortable with and how we expect others to treat us. Imagine boundaries like a fence around your personal space — you decide who can come in, how far they can go, and under what circumstances.
Setting boundaries isn’t just about saying “no”; it’s about identifying your needs and communicating them clearly so others understand your limits. Boundaries help us shape our identity, keep us safe, and maintain a sense of autonomy in our relationships. Without them, we can feel overwhelmed, manipulated, or even resentful. Boundaries help protect our energy and ensure that we are giving from a place of willingness, not obligation.
Why Are Boundaries So Challenging?
For people with trauma, disabilities, or those in marginalized communities, boundaries can be incredibly challenging to set. Trauma survivors, for instance, may struggle with boundaries because their sense of safety and trust has been violated in the past. Their experiences may cause them to either overextend themselves, trying to please others, or shut down completely, avoiding relationships altogether. Both responses come from a place of survival, where the person has learned that boundaries either weren’t respected or weren’t safe to set.
Individuals with disabilities may also find it hard to set boundaries because they may feel dependent on others for support. Society often sends a message that they should be "grateful" for help, making it even more difficult to assert their needs. As a result, people with disabilities might internalize feelings of guilt or inadequacy when setting boundaries, fearing that they are being “difficult” or “demanding.”
Moreover, boundaries can be particularly difficult to recognize when they’ve never been modeled for us. If you grew up in an environment where personal space or autonomy was not respected, it may be hard to know what a healthy boundary even looks like.
What Does Setting a Boundary Look Like?
Let’s say you have a friend who frequently calls you late at night to talk about their problems. While you care about your friend, these calls are affecting your sleep and leaving you feeling exhausted. Setting a boundary could look like this:
Recognize Your Needs: First, acknowledge that your need for rest is just as important as your friend’s need for support.
Communicate Clearly: You might say, "I want to be there for you, but I can’t take late-night calls anymore because they’re affecting my sleep. Let’s find another time to talk."
Enforce the Boundary: If the friend continues to call late at night, you may need to gently remind them of your boundary and stop answering those late calls.
In this example, setting a boundary doesn’t mean you’re cutting your friend off. It means you are making sure that your needs are being met too. Boundaries are not walls — they are flexible and can be adjusted as your needs or circumstances change.
How Boundaries Empower Us
Boundaries give us the freedom to show up as our best selves. They allow us to engage in relationships from a place of love and respect rather than resentment or obligation. When we set boundaries, we are taking responsibility for our own well-being, and this self-respect often leads to more fulfilling relationships with others.
For people with trauma, disabilities, or other challenges, learning to set and enforce boundaries is an essential part of healing. It helps rebuild trust — both in yourself and in others — and ensures that you are not stretching yourself too thin.
How to Start Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s an important step in reclaiming your personal power. Here are a few tips to get started:
Start Small: Practice setting boundaries in low-stakes situations, like deciding what time you need to go to bed or how much time you want to spend on social media.
Be Assertive, Not Aggressive: Boundaries are about respecting your needs and the needs of others. When you set a boundary, it’s important to communicate it calmly and respectfully.
Expect Pushback: Some people might resist when you start setting boundaries, especially if they’re used to you saying yes all the time. Stand firm and remember that protecting your energy is your right.
Final Thoughts
Boundaries are a way to honor yourself and your relationships. They aren’t always easy to set, especially if you’ve experienced trauma or live with a disability, but they are essential for maintaining your health and well-being. If you struggle with boundaries, know that you’re not alone. Therapy can be a helpful tool in exploring what boundaries look like for you and how to set them in a way that feels safe and respectful.
Remember, boundaries are not just about keeping things out — they are also about letting the right things in.
Sources:
Smith, J.A., & Jones, R.P. (2017). Boundaries and Self-Care: A Trauma-Informed Approach. Journal of Mental Health, 12(4), 240-252.
Brown, B. (2018). Daring to Set Boundaries: The Power of Saying No and Building Strong Relationships. Penguin Random House.
Roe, M. (2019). "Why Boundaries Are Hard for Trauma Survivors," Psychology Today.