Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) in Autism and Neurodivergence
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a behavior profile often associated with autism, characterized by an extreme avoidance of everyday demands and expectations due to high levels of anxiety. While it’s not an officially recognized diagnosis in all diagnostic systems (e.g., DSM-5), it is widely acknowledged in the UK and other parts of the world as part of the broader autism spectrum. Understanding PDA is essential for fostering better relationships and communication between neurodivergent individuals and neurotypical peers.
What Is PDA?
PDA involves a heightened fight, flight, or freeze response to demands, often stemming from an overwhelming need to feel in control. Unlike typical resistance to authority, PDA is rooted in anxiety and is not intentionally oppositional. The key difference lies in the intensity and impact of demand avoidance on daily life. This behavior is not limited to explicit requests like "Clean your room" but can include internalized expectations, such as “I need to eat” or “I should brush my teeth.”
Common traits of PDA include:
Resistance to routine requests or tasks.
Using charm, distraction, or humor to avoid demands.
Meltdowns or shutdowns when demands cannot be avoided.
Highly sensitive to perceived control or authority.
How PDA Shows Up in Autism and Neurodivergence
PDA is considered a subset of autism, though it can also appear in individuals with ADHD or other neurodivergent profiles. It often manifests in scenarios where expectations—big or small—feel overwhelming.
Anecdotal Examples
Emma (Autistic, PDA Profile): Emma avoids doing homework, even though she loves the subject, because the pressure to complete it feels suffocating. When asked to start, she might joke about needing to “rescue her pen” or suddenly become engrossed in cleaning her desk—anything to sidestep the expectation.
Sam (ADHD, PDA Profile): Sam struggles with grocery shopping because he feels trapped by the need to choose the “right” items. If someone suggests a particular brand, he might feel cornered and lash out with frustration, even though the task itself is simple.
A Parent’s Perspective: One parent recalls how their child avoided getting dressed for school by hiding under the bed. It wasn’t defiance; it was a stress response triggered by the demand to leave the comfort of home.
The Impact on Neurotypical People
Neurotypical individuals often misinterpret PDA behaviors as laziness, defiance, or manipulation, leading to tension and misunderstandings. For example:
A teacher might see a student’s refusal to complete assignments as disrespectful, rather than recognizing the anxiety behind the avoidance.
Friends or partners may feel rejected when social invitations are declined repeatedly, unaware that the person with PDA is overwhelmed by the expectations involved in socializing.
These misunderstandings can strain relationships and contribute to feelings of isolation for neurodivergent individuals.
Building Bridges to Communication
Understanding and accommodating PDA behaviors is critical for fostering positive relationships. Here are some strategies:
Reframe Expectations
Instead of saying, “You need to clean your room,” try, “Would you prefer to clean now or after dinner?” This gives the person a sense of agency.
Use Collaborative Approaches
Work together to set manageable goals. For instance, if homework is overwhelming, break it into smaller steps and offer choices about how to tackle it.
Normalize Breaks
Understand that avoidance isn’t always about the task itself but the emotional weight of starting it. Encourage breaks or shifts in focus to reduce pressure.
Practice Compassionate Communication
Avoid punitive language. Statements like, “You’re just making excuses,” can heighten anxiety. Instead, express empathy: “I see this is hard for you. How can we make it easier?”
Embrace Flexibility
Recognize that rigid expectations often escalate avoidance. Be willing to adapt plans and provide alternative options.
Bridging the Gap: A Real-Life Example
One family faced ongoing challenges when it came to their autistic child with PDA traits helping out around the house, particularly with doing the dishes. Initially, the parent would approach the situation with a straightforward and direct request, saying, “You need to do the dishes now.” This demand was often met with resistance, avoidance, or an emotional meltdown. The child might deflect by suddenly needing to use the restroom, turning to their phone, or declaring they were “too busy” with something else. What appeared to the parent as defiance was actually a stress response triggered by the overwhelming expectation and lack of perceived control.
Recognizing that their approach wasn’t working, the parent decided to take a different route—one centered on empathy and collaboration. Instead of issuing a direct demand, they began by acknowledging the child’s feelings. “I know doing the dishes isn’t your favorite thing, and it can feel like a big task when you’re not in the mood. How about we figure out how to make it easier together?”
Next, they offered options to give their child a sense of agency. “Would you like to start with the glasses or the plates? Or maybe I could wash while you dry?” This reframing of the situation helped reduce the child’s anxiety and shifted their focus from the demand itself to the collaborative effort of tackling the task.
The parent also broke the task into smaller, manageable steps. Instead of presenting it as “do all the dishes,” they reframed it as, “How about we just tackle half of the dishes now, and we can finish the rest later?” This reduced the overwhelming nature of the chore and provided a sense of accomplishment without pressure.
The result was a marked change in the child’s response. With the pressure lifted and their autonomy respected, the child was more willing to engage. They even started suggesting ways to make the task more enjoyable, like playing their favorite music while working or setting a timer to make it a game.
Over time, the family found that this approach not only reduced meltdowns but also strengthened their communication. The child began to feel more understood and supported, while the parent learned how to better navigate situations that previously felt like power struggles. The success in addressing small daily tasks like washing the dishes also helped build trust and confidence, setting the stage for smoother interactions in other areas of life.
This example highlights the power of reframing demands and prioritizing collaborative communication. By shifting from a rigid “do it now” mindset to a flexible and empathetic approach, the parent bridged the gap, fostering a more harmonious and cooperative dynamic with their child.
Conclusion
Pathological Demand Avoidance highlights the importance of understanding the unique ways anxiety can manifest in neurodivergent individuals. For neurotypical people, learning to reframe interactions and practice empathy can transform relationships. By building bridges of communication, we can create a world where neurodivergent individuals feel understood, supported, and empowered.
References
Green, J., & Happé, F. (2018). Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance in Children: A Guide for Parents, Teachers and Other Professionals. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Christie, P., Duncan, M., Fidler, R., & Healy, Z. (2011). Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome in Children. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
The PDA Society. (2024). "What is PDA?" www.pdasociety.org.uk