Growing Up with a Narcissist Parent and ADHD: Questions to Help You Understand Your Experience
Growing up with ADHD can make childhood challenging on its own, but when one or both of your parents has narcissistic traits, it can create a confusing and often hurtful environment. One of the most harmful is the Covert Narcissist. Covert narcissists aren’t usually loud or obvious about their self-centered behavior; instead, they tend to be subtle, hiding behind a mask of sensitivity or helplessness (Wright, 2022). This makes it hard to recognize the effects of their behavior, especially if you’re a child trying to make sense of how they treat you.
If you’ve often felt misunderstood, doubted, or blamed for things beyond your control, it might help to explore your experiences by asking some questions about your relationship with your parent. This approach, inspired by Socratic questioning, can lead you to insights and help you separate your ADHD traits from the ways your parent may have used them against you.
“Do I often feel like I can’t do anything right?”
Covert narcissists may point out every small mistake or forgotten detail, especially if you have ADHD, which can affect memory and focus. Have you felt that your parent never lets you forget small mistakes? Do they often remind you of things you forgot to do?
Instead of truly helping, they might use this to make you feel like you’re “always messing up” or that you “can’t handle things.” Over time, this can lead you to doubt yourself, feeling that you need their approval to know what’s right (Tuckman, 2018).
“Do they criticize my impulsive choices but then encourage them sometimes?”
ADHD can lead to impulsive decisions. Has your parent ever encouraged you to make a quick decision, only to turn around and criticize you afterward? Do they say things like, “You’re so irresponsible,” after you act on something you thought they wanted?
This can create a sense of confusion—are they helping you, or are they setting you up to feel guilty? You may feel like you’re always doing something wrong, even when you’re just following your instincts (Maté, 2019).
“Do they make me question my memory or sense of reality?”
Covert narcissists may use gaslighting, or making you doubt your own memory or perception of events. Have they ever claimed you “forgot” something that didn’t actually happen or insisted that you’re “remembering wrong”? Do you sometimes feel like you can’t trust your memory, especially in arguments with them?
When someone makes you feel that you’re “always forgetting,” it can make you question yourself. If you often feel unsure of your own memory or that you can’t fully trust your perspective, gaslighting could be part of the dynamic (Sarkis, 2020).
“Does my ADHD get blamed for all our relationship problems?”
It’s common for covert narcissists to blame everything on something other than themselves. Have they ever suggested that all family issues are because of your ADHD? Do they make comments like, “If it weren’t for your ADHD, we’d have a better relationship”?
If so, they may be using your ADHD as a “reason” to avoid looking at their own behaviors. This can make you feel that you’re solely responsible for every challenge in the relationship, even when that isn’t true (Sussman & Copeland, 2021).
“Do they act like they’re just trying to help, but make me feel small?”
A covert narcissist might disguise criticism as “concern.” Do they say things like, “I just worry about you messing up,” or “I have to take care of things because you can’t”?
This “help” isn’t meant to support you; it’s often a way of reminding you that they believe you can’t manage without them. It’s a subtle way of keeping you feeling dependent and unconfident (Wright, 2022).
“Do they expect me to meet impossible standards, then criticize me for not meeting them?”
Covert narcissists might give you tasks or expectations that are almost impossible to meet, especially if ADHD affects your ability to stay organized or focused. Do they set high standards, only to remind you when you fall short, saying things like, “I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle this”?
This can be their way of setting you up for failure. If you feel like no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough, this pattern might be intentional (Sarkis, 2020).
“Do they provoke me and then criticize me for being ‘too emotional’?”
ADHD can bring strong emotions, which might make it hard to stay calm when someone is pushing your buttons. Has your parent ever brought up sensitive topics or criticized you in ways that felt designed to upset you? Do they then call you “too emotional” or “unreasonable” when you react?
This cycle can be confusing, making you feel like you’re always in the wrong, even though they’re the ones creating the emotional tension (Maté, 2019).
“Do they always make themselves look like the victim?”
Covert narcissists are often skilled at making themselves look like the one who “suffers” the most. Do they say things like, “I’m the one who has to put up with everything” or “It’s so hard dealing with you”?
This tactic can make you feel guilty, like you owe them something. It’s a way to keep you feeling responsible for their happiness, rather than them supporting you as a parent (Wright, 2022).
Finding Your Way Forward
If you find yourself answering “yes” to some of these questions, it might be helpful to explore this further. Realizing that you are not at fault—and that ADHD isn’t something “wrong” with you—can be the first step toward healing. Here are a few things you can do:
Reach Out to a Support System: Talking to friends, family members, or a counselor can give you new perspectives and help you feel supported.
Learn About ADHD and Narcissism: The more you understand ADHD and covert narcissism, the easier it becomes to see when someone is trying to manipulate you.
Set Personal Boundaries: Even small, realistic boundaries can help build confidence and make it harder for others to control you.
Trust Your Feelings: ADHD may make life more challenging, but it doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real. If something feels wrong, that’s important to notice.
Consider Therapy: Talking to a counselor experienced in ADHD and family dynamics can help you learn to set boundaries, rebuild your self-confidence, and heal from any harm.
ADHD does not define you, and it does not mean you’re at fault for difficult family dynamics. With support and self-awareness, you can find ways to grow beyond these patterns, recognizing the unique strengths and gifts that come with ADHD.
Sources
Maté, G. (2019). Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder. Knopf Canada.
Sarkis, S. (2020). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People--and Break Free. Hachette Books.
Sussman, S., & Copeland, L. (2021). Loving Someone with Attention Deficit Disorder. The Guilford Press.
Wright, T. (2022). Narcissism and Relationships: Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Your Partner.