The Healing Canvas: Understanding Gaslighting and Invalidation—How These Behaviors Damage Relationships and How to Heal
In relationships—whether romantic, familial, or even professional—trust and emotional safety are essential. However, certain behaviors can break down trust, create feelings of isolation, and ultimately fracture the relationship. Gaslighting and invalidation are two forms of manipulation that, whether intended or not, can have a deeply negative impact on an individual’s mental health and well-being. In this blog post, we’ll explore what gaslighting and invalidation are, the effects they can have on victims, and ways to heal and protect yourself if you have experienced these behaviors.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone causes you to question your own reality, memory, or perceptions. The term originated from the 1944 movie Gaslight, in which a husband attempts to make his wife doubt her sanity by subtly altering her environment and denying her perceptions of reality. Although the term has since gained broader use, it describes a very real and harmful manipulation tactic.
Gaslighting can happen in many ways. It might look like someone persistently denying they said something, telling you that your feelings are “overreactions” or making you feel as though you’re misinterpreting events. Over time, this constant questioning can lead you to doubt yourself, creating a cycle of self-doubt and dependency on the gaslighter's version of events.
What is Invalidation?
Invalidation is when someone dismisses, ignores, or trivializes another person's thoughts, feelings, or experiences. It often sounds like, “You’re just being sensitive,” or “You’re overreacting.” While sometimes people might unintentionally invalidate others by brushing off their feelings or downplaying their experiences, this can still be painful and leave lasting scars. Invalidation reinforces the belief that your feelings are wrong, unimportant, or unworthy of acknowledgment.
While gaslighting often involves intentional deception to control another person’s perception, invalidation can stem from ignorance, discomfort, or misunderstanding. Either way, the effects are profound, especially when repeated over time.
The Devastating Impact of Gaslighting and Invalidation
Gaslighting and invalidation damage relationships because they undermine the foundation of trust and emotional safety. Here are a few ways these behaviors can impact the person experiencing them:
Self-Doubt and Confusion
Constantly being told that your feelings, perceptions, or memories are “wrong” can erode your confidence in your own judgment. This confusion can make you feel lost or disconnected from reality, unsure of what to believe.
Anxiety and Depression
Gaslighting and invalidation often lead to mental health struggles, including anxiety and depression. When someone repeatedly questions your feelings or experiences, it can foster a deep-seated sense of inadequacy and isolation, increasing your mental and emotional distress.
Resentment and Loss of Intimacy
Emotional manipulation makes it difficult to feel close or connected to the other person. Over time, resentment builds, creating an emotional rift. A lack of trust and understanding develops, leading to a breakdown in intimacy and connection.
Loss of Identity
Victims of gaslighting and chronic invalidation often lose touch with their sense of self. When your feelings are constantly dismissed or questioned, it’s easy to start questioning who you are and what you believe in.
According to Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, “The gaslight tango is a dance that requires two: one person (or organization, society, religion, etc.) who needs to be right in order to preserve his or her own sense of self and one person who allows that need to override their own sense of reality.” This dynamic is not only painful but disempowering.
Steps for Healing from Gaslighting and Invalidation
Validate Your Own Feelings
Healing starts with acknowledging your feelings and giving them importance. Journaling, mindfulness, or simply taking a few moments each day to check in with yourself can help reinforce your internal voice.
Seek Support from Safe People
Talk to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide an objective perspective. Supportive people will help you feel seen, heard, and respected, providing the validation that may be lacking elsewhere in your life.
Educate Yourself on Manipulation Tactics
Knowledge is empowering. Understanding the dynamics of gaslighting and invalidation can help you recognize these patterns when they arise. By being informed, you can begin to identify toxic behavior and respond in ways that protect your well-being.
Set Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in maintaining your mental health. Establishing clear limits with someone who invalidates you or attempts to gaslight you can reinforce your sense of self-worth. For example, you might say, “I need you to listen without dismissing my feelings,” or, “When you say I’m overreacting, it makes me feel unheard.”
Engage in Self-Care
Prioritize activities that foster self-love and build self-trust. This might include exercise, creative expression, meditation, or spending time in nature. Self-care reinforces that your needs and feelings are valid and that you deserve to take up space.
Consider Therapy
Working with a mental health professional can be a powerful step in healing. Therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) are particularly effective for those dealing with invalidation and gaslighting, as they focus on building self-awareness, emotional regulation, and resilience.
Practice Affirmations
Positive affirmations can help rebuild your confidence. Repeatedly telling yourself phrases like, “My feelings are valid,” “I trust my perceptions,” or “I am worthy of respect,” can counteract the negative effects of gaslighting and invalidation over time.
Moving Forward and Reclaiming Your Power
It’s important to recognize that healing from gaslighting and invalidation takes time and patience. These behaviors can feel overwhelming, but with the right tools and support, recovery is possible. Dr. Stern emphasizes, “The work of breaking free from the gaslight effect is about trusting yourself, believing in your right to be happy, and learning to respond assertively rather than react emotionally.” By validating your own feelings and surrounding yourself with supportive people, you can begin to reclaim your reality and self-worth.
While we can’t control how others behave, we can protect ourselves from harmful dynamics and choose relationships that honor and uplift us. Remember, your feelings are valid, your experiences are real, and you have every right to set boundaries that preserve your well-being.
For further reading, consider The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern and Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger, both of which provide insights into navigating toxic relationships and strengthening self-trust. And, as always, reach out for support if you need it—healing is often a journey best taken with others.
Sources
Stern, R. (2007). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. Morgan Road Books.
Mason, P. T., & Kreger, R. (2010). Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder. New Harbinger Publications.