Healing from a Narcissistic Parent: A Personal Look at Growing, Grieving, and Becoming Your Own Person

Growing Up in the Shadow of a Narcissist

There are moments from childhood I can’t quite forget—like trying to share a drawing I made, only to be met with silence, or worse, a comment about how messy the living room looked. My feelings, needs, even accomplishments seemed invisible unless they reflected back on them. That’s the tricky thing about growing up with a narcissistic parent: you’re not really raised—you’re orbiting someone else’s self-image, careful not to eclipse it.

Narcissistic parents often struggle with empathy, need to be the center of attention, and may react to a child’s independence or emotions as if it’s an act of betrayal (Miller, 1981; Brown, 2008). They can make love feel conditional. As children, we adapt by shrinking ourselves—minimizing our needs, trying to avoid confrontation, and becoming hypervigilant to mood shifts. We learn, often unconsciously, that it’s safer to please than to be.

The Hidden Wounds

The effects don’t always show up right away. They hide in adult relationships, in the fear of speaking up, in the need to over-explain. For me, it looked like being the “responsible one,” even when I was falling apart inside. It looked like offering support to everyone around me while silently resenting that no one ever asked how I was doing.

Research shows that adult children of narcissistic parents are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, chronic self-doubt, and difficulties with self-esteem and emotional regulation (McBride, 2011). Some become perfectionists. Others isolate. Many bounce between guilt and anger, unsure how to hold both.

And grieving the parent you needed—not the one you got—is its own kind of heartbreak.

But Here's the Good News

You’re not broken. You’re not “too sensitive.” You were adapting. You survived.

And survival, while exhausting, is proof of your strength. Healing is possible. It doesn’t happen overnight. It might not even be linear. But you can unlearn the belief that love must be earned, or that your worth depends on someone else's approval.

You can become the person you needed.

Through therapy, self-reflection, and connection with others who’ve been there, many of us are reclaiming our inner world. We're learning how to set boundaries—not to punish others, but to protect ourselves. We’re learning to rest without guilt, to say “no” without apology, to feel without shame.

Sometimes healing means writing your own script for what a parent should be—and choosing to be that, for yourself or your children.

Some Anchors That Helped Me

• Therapy (especially with someone trauma-informed) gave me words for what I couldn’t name. It helped me understand gaslighting, enmeshment, and emotional neglect.

• Writing helped me find my voice—first in journals, then in poems, eventually in conversations.

• Community reminded me I’m not alone. Whether online support groups or real-life friendships, it made all the difference to be seen.

• Self-compassion work was pivotal. Dr. Kristin Neff’s work helped me reframe my inner critic into an inner ally.

• Art gave me space to feel things I was never allowed to express. Creativity became my resistance.

You Are Allowed to Heal

If you’re on this journey, I want you to know: you don’t have to keep performing worthiness. You don’t have to fix your parent, or prove your pain, or wait for someone else to validate your story.

You get to reclaim your narrative.

You get to stop surviving and start living.

And maybe one day, you’ll look back and see that the person you’ve become—the compassionate, boundary-honoring, emotionally aware human—is your greatest act of rebellion... and your greatest triumph.

At Artist Eye Counseling, we see you. We hear you. We believe you.
If you’re looking for support, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Whether you're seeking counseling from us or hoping to be connected with someone who can help, you deserve to be heard.

Sources:

• Brown, N. (2008). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. New Harbinger Publications.

• McBride, K. (2011). Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Atria Books.

• Miller, A. (1981). The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self. Basic Books.

• Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.