Navigating the Holidays as a Couple When Trauma is Involved.

Holidays can be a season of joy and connection, but they can also bring challenges for couples when one partner looks forward to celebrations while the other struggles with the weight of trauma. For a partner with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), the holidays can evoke painful memories, emotional overload, and heightened stress. For the other partner, who thrives on holiday traditions and gatherings, these differences can lead to misunderstandings and tension. Navigating this dynamic requires compassion, communication, and compromise.

The Holiday Enthusiast’s Perspective

For one partner, holidays are a cherished time to connect with family and friends, embrace traditions, and create new memories. This person might take joy in hosting gatherings, decorating, and exchanging gifts. They may see the holidays as an opportunity to strengthen their bond as a couple and with extended family.

However, when their partner doesn’t share the same enthusiasm—or actively avoids the festivities—it can be confusing and disheartening. They may interpret their partner’s withdrawal as a lack of interest or even a rejection of their efforts. This can lead to frustration, feelings of being unappreciated, or a sense of isolation during what is supposed to be a season of togetherness.

The Perspective of the Partner with CPTSD

For the partner with CPTSD, holidays are often triggering. Family gatherings may stir up unresolved pain from their past, whether from childhood trauma, toxic relationships, or unmet emotional needs. The pressure to participate in celebrations can feel overwhelming, and they may struggle to meet the emotional and social expectations of the season.

CPTSD often involves hypervigilance, anxiety, and emotional dysregulation—all of which can be exacerbated by the heightened activity and sensory overload of holiday events. While their partner sees the holidays as a time for joy, they may view the same events as emotionally exhausting or even distressing. This can create an inner conflict where they want to support their partner but feel incapable of doing so without compromising their own emotional well-being.

How This Dynamic Affects the Relationship

• Resentment and Misunderstanding
  The holiday-loving partner may feel their joy dampened by their partner’s reluctance to participate, while the partner with CPTSD might feel pressured or misunderstood. Resentment can build on both sides, with each partner feeling their needs aren’t being acknowledged or respected.

• Different Coping Styles
  The enthusiastic partner might use the holidays to distract from life’s stressors or as a way to connect emotionally. Meanwhile, the partner with CPTSD may rely on avoidance or withdrawal as coping mechanisms, further driving a wedge between them.

• Unspoken Expectations
  Holidays often come with unspoken expectations about how they should look and feel. When these expectations clash, it can leave both partners feeling disappointed or hurt, especially if neither is able to articulate their needs or boundaries.

Building Understanding and Connection

• Start with Open Communication
  The key to bridging the gap is understanding each other’s perspectives. The partner who loves the holidays can share why the season is meaningful to them, while the partner with CPTSD can explain what makes it challenging. This isn’t about changing each other but about creating a foundation of empathy and respect.

• Set Realistic Expectations Together
  Compromise is essential. Maybe the couple decides to attend a few key events rather than all of them. They can also plan quieter, more intimate traditions that are manageable for both partners, such as baking cookies at home or watching a favorite movie together.

• Create Safe Spaces
  For the partner with CPTSD, knowing they can step away when feeling overwhelmed is crucial. The holiday-loving partner can help by creating an environment where this is okay—without guilt or judgment. For example, agreeing in advance that it’s fine to leave a party early or to take breaks during family events can alleviate stress.

• Celebrate in Ways That Feel Meaningful
  Not every holiday tradition needs to involve large gatherings or elaborate decorations. A new, shared tradition—such as volunteering, sharing a special meal, or exchanging handwritten notes—can create moments of connection that respect both partners’ needs.

• Seek Outside Support
  Sometimes, navigating these differences requires the help of a therapist. Couples counseling can provide tools to manage holiday stress, improve communication, and build empathy.

Fostering a Stronger Bond

When one partner thrives on celebrations and the other struggles with CPTSD, the holidays can feel like a minefield. But they can also be an opportunity to deepen understanding and connection. By recognizing each other’s needs, setting realistic expectations, and creating new traditions, couples can find ways to honor both perspectives.

The joy of the holidays doesn’t have to come from perfection or tradition—it can come from the simple act of showing up for one another with love, patience, and empathy.

References

• Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote.

• Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.

• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

For more resources or to schedule a session, visit Artist Eye Counseling.