Perfectionism: The Hidden Roots and How to Let Go
I’ve noticed something in my work with clients—and honestly, in myself too. It’s that gnawing, tightening, ever-lurking need to get it “just right.” That if we don’t nail it, perfect it, control every variable, we risk unraveling.
That’s perfectionism.
And it's not just about being neat or high-achieving. It’s deeper than that. It’s often a survival strategy dressed up as ambition.
Let’s talk about what’s really going on under the hood.
The Hidden Drive Behind Perfectionism
Perfectionism can look like hustle, like productivity, like having your life together. But beneath it, there’s often a trembling foundation of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of being seen as “too much” or “not enough.”
It’s not about excellence. It’s about safety.
For many of us, perfectionism begins in childhood.
Maybe it was a parent whose love felt conditional. A household where mistakes weren’t tolerated. Or simply growing up feeling like your needs were “too big” or “too inconvenient.”
In trauma theory, perfectionism can be seen as a fawn response—one of the lesser-known trauma adaptations alongside fight, flight, and freeze. Fawning is about appeasing others, anticipating needs, and minimizing your own to stay safe or loved (Walker, 2013).
When you’re constantly scanning for how to be “good enough,” it makes sense that your brain begins equating perfection with protection.
ADHD, Trauma, and the Double Bind
Now layer on ADHD and things get more tangled. ADHD brains are often marked by executive functioning challenges: planning, time management, memory, and emotion regulation (Barkley, 2011). That can make it harder to achieve the perfection we crave—and easier to fall into self-blame.
So we swing wildly between procrastination and panic. Between doing too much and shutting down. We can’t meet our own impossible standards, and that becomes a source of deep shame.
For neurodivergent folks, especially those undiagnosed until adulthood, perfectionism can also be an unconscious attempt to mask or pass in a neurotypical world. The logic becomes: If I’m perfect, maybe I won’t be dismissed or misunderstood again.
Sound familiar?
The Path Toward Letting Go
So how do we actually loosen our grip on perfectionism? How do we let ourselves be enough in a world that sometimes tells us we’re not?
Here are a few gentle invitations to start:
Notice Your Patterns with Curiosity, Not Criticism
Perfectionism isn’t the enemy. It’s a coping strategy you developed for a reason. Try journaling: What am I afraid will happen if I mess this up? That answer is the doorway.
Practice “Good Enough”
Set a timer for tasks. When the timer ends, walk away—even if it’s not flawless. Your worth isn’t measured by polish. It’s measured by presence.
Reparent the Part of You That’s Scared
What would you say to a child who was afraid of not being loved if they made a mistake? Say that to yourself. Again and again.
Let Someone In
Talk about your perfectionism with someone safe—a therapist, a friend, a partner. Letting others see our messiness teaches us we’re still lovable.
Celebrate Small Acts of Self-Compassion
Didn’t rewrite that email 12 times? Celebrate. Ordered takeout instead of cooking a Pinterest-worthy meal? Good. These small rebellions matter.
You Are Already Enough
The truth is, you don’t have to earn your worth. You don’t have to white-knuckle through life, hoping perfection will save you. It won’t. But grace will. Connection will. Your own soft, human presence will.
Let this be your reminder:
You are already enough. Messy, brilliant, tired, trying—you are enough.
Always have been.
Always will be.
Sources:
Barkley, R. A. (2011). Executive Functions: What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved. Guilford Press.
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing.