The Art of Apologizing: When, Why, and How
Apologizing is one of the most challenging yet liberating acts in human relationships. It holds the power to mend broken bridges, rebuild trust, and demonstrate accountability. But like any tool, it must be used skillfully and intentionally. Misuse—whether over-apologizing or avoiding apologies entirely—can create new challenges or perpetuate old wounds.
This blog explores the nuances of apologizing, including when it's necessary, when it's unnecessary, how personality and trauma influence apologizing, and what happens when we apologize excessively or not at all.
What Is an Apology, and Why Does It Matter?
An apology is more than the simple act of saying "I'm sorry." It is an acknowledgment of harm caused and an effort to repair a relationship or ease another’s pain. Genuine apologies are often accompanied by accountability and, when possible, corrective action.
Psychologist Harriet Lerner, in her book Why Won’t You Apologize?, emphasizes that apologies foster emotional healing and deeper connections. A heartfelt apology not only benefits the receiver but also gives the person apologizing a sense of resolution and integrity. However, when misused, apologies can lose their impact or even cause harm.
When Is Apologizing Necessary?
Apologizing is necessary when your actions—intentional or unintentional—have caused harm or discomfort to someone else. A sincere apology should:
Acknowledge the specific harm caused. Avoid vague apologies like "I’m sorry if you were offended." Instead, focus on specific actions: “I’m sorry for interrupting you in the meeting; I realize that was disrespectful.”
Take responsibility. Avoid defensiveness or justification. Instead of "I’m sorry, but I was just having a bad day," say, "I was wrong, and I take full responsibility."
Offer amends. Acknowledge how you will make changes to prevent similar issues in the future: "I’ll make an effort to communicate better next time."
When done authentically, apologies rebuild trust, repair relationships, and demonstrate accountability.
When Is Apologizing Unnecessary?
Some situations don't call for an apology, even if someone else feels upset. Here are examples of when apologizing might be unnecessary:
For being yourself. Apologizing for traits like your personality, appearance, or preferences reinforces shame. Assertiveness is not a crime; you don’t owe apologies for setting boundaries, expressing yourself, or holding firm on your values.
Reactive abuse or defensive responses. Certain personality types or dynamics (such as narcissistic relationships) may provoke defensiveness or reactions that feel explosive. While it’s essential to reflect on one’s behavior, it’s equally important to understand that reactions born out of survival or defense against manipulative tactics are not the same as initiating harm.
Over-apologizing as a coping mechanism. Chronic apologizing, often rooted in trauma or low self-esteem, diminishes the impact of necessary apologies. It also perpetuates a power imbalance, signaling subservience where it’s unwarranted.
The Over-Apologizer: When "Sorry" Becomes a Reflex
Over-apologizing can stem from people-pleasing tendencies, fear of conflict, or trauma. If you find yourself apologizing for things beyond your control—like someone bumping into you—it’s worth reflecting on where this pattern originates.
Research shows that chronic apologizing is often linked to anxiety and low self-esteem. Over-apologizing can make the person apologizing feel small and powerless while frustrating others who feel it dilutes the value of genuine apologies.
To break the cycle of over-apologizing:
Replace "I'm sorry" with gratitude: Instead of "Sorry I'm late," say, "Thank you for waiting for me."
Pause and reflect before apologizing: Ask yourself if the apology is necessary or rooted in old habits.
Seek support through therapy to address underlying trauma or low self-worth.
Why Some People Can’t Apologize
At the other extreme are individuals who struggle—or outright refuse—to apologize. This avoidance can stem from:
Trauma. Past experiences of being punished or ridiculed for vulnerability can make apologies feel unsafe. Some individuals may have learned that admitting fault opens them to abuse or rejection.
Pride or shame. Shame, in particular, can be a powerful barrier to apologizing. Admitting fault might trigger feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy.
Narcissistic traits. People with narcissistic tendencies may struggle to acknowledge harm because it conflicts with their self-image. Apologies require humility and empathy, which may be undeveloped or suppressed.
Recognizing these barriers is the first step to creating space for accountability and growth.
Trauma and Apologizing
Trauma can fundamentally alter one’s relationship with apologies. Survivors of abuse or neglect may:
Apologize for everything. As a form of self-preservation, some trauma survivors over-apologize to avoid conflict or punishment.
Struggle to apologize. Conversely, others may resist apologizing due to a deep fear of vulnerability or past experiences where apologies led to harm.
Healing from trauma often involves re-learning when and how to apologize, distinguishing between healthy accountability and undue guilt.
A Story of Two Paths
Imagine two people, each walking their own path through the world. Both paths are shaped by the heavy shadow of trauma, yet they diverge in strikingly different ways when it comes to apologizing.
The first traveler is Sara. From a young age, Sara learned that mistakes were dangerous. In her family, even the smallest slip-up—spilling milk, forgetting a chore—could unleash an avalanche of anger. To survive, Sara developed a habit of apologizing for everything, even when she wasn’t at fault. Someone bumps into her on the street? "I’m sorry!" A coworker is late to a meeting? "Oh, sorry if I kept you waiting!" Each apology feels like a shield, a way to keep herself safe from the harm she’s always braced for. But over time, this shield becomes heavy. She notices people brushing off her words, frustrated by her constant “I’m sorrys,” and she wonders why apologizing doesn’t make her feel as secure as it once did.
Then there’s James. His story begins differently. Growing up, he quickly learned that admitting fault was a trap. When James said “I’m sorry,” he was met with ridicule or punishment that far outweighed the mistake. Vulnerability felt like a betrayal of himself, a chink in his armor. As he grew older, James found it easier to avoid apologies altogether. When his partner confronted him about a hurtful comment, James would cross his arms and deflect: “I didn’t mean it like that.” Apologies, for James, felt like handing over power, and power was something he couldn’t afford to lose.
Both Sara and James are caught in the grip of trauma, their responses shaped by past experiences. Sara’s over-apologizing is her way of seeking safety in a world that once punished her unpredictably. For James, refusing to apologize is an act of self-preservation, a way to shield himself from the pain of being vulnerable.
As their stories unfold, healing begins to look like finding a middle path. For Sara, it’s learning that she doesn’t have to apologize for her existence. Her therapist suggests replacing “I’m sorry” with gratitude or neutral language. Instead of “Sorry I’m late,” Sara begins to say, “Thanks for waiting.” Each small change feels lighter, like shedding a layer of armor she no longer needs.
James, on the other hand, starts small. His first attempt at a real apology feels foreign and terrifying: “I’m sorry for snapping at you. I’ll try to do better.” But instead of the ridicule he fears, James sees something unexpected—his partner’s eyes soften, their guard drops. Apologizing doesn’t weaken him; it strengthens their connection.
Their paths are different, but their journeys are the same: reclaiming the power of apologies. For both Sara and James, healing means rewriting the stories their trauma once told them—that safety lies in over-apologizing, or that apologies are a weapon to be used against them. Through self-awareness and support, they learn that apologies are not chains, but bridges. And with each step forward, they walk a little lighter.
How to Foster Healthy Apologies
Practice self-awareness. Reflect on your actions, their impact, and whether an apology is necessary.
Acknowledge your emotions. Feelings like shame, anger, or fear may arise. Processing these emotions helps create space for authentic accountability.
Reframe apologies as a strength. Apologizing isn’t a weakness; it’s an act of courage and maturity.
Conclusion
Apologies are powerful tools for connection and growth, but they require thoughtfulness and authenticity. By understanding when apologies are necessary—and when they’re not—we can foster healthier relationships with ourselves and others. Recognizing the role trauma and personality play in our approach to apologizing helps us break unhelpful patterns and embrace the art of saying “I’m sorry” with sincerity and intention.
Sources
Lerner, H. (2017). Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts. Simon & Schuster.
Danziger, S., & Ward, A. F. (2015). Over-apologizing: Evidence and implications. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 144(4), 813–820.
Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and Guilt. Guilford Press.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.