When It Feels Like Everyone Will Leave:Understanding Abandonment Sensitivity
I still remember the ache in my chest when someone didn’t respond to a message. That familiar tightening of the gut, the sting behind my eyes. My brain told me they were probably busy. But my body screamed, You’re being left. Again.
If you’ve ever felt this too—like a missed text or a change in someone’s tone can feel like emotional whiplash—you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.
For people living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Complex PTSD (CPTSD), ADHD, or Autism, the fear of abandonment can be relentless, and deeply misunderstood—even by ourselves.
Let’s talk about what abandonment sensitivity really is, why it happens, and how we can learn to soothe it with gentleness instead of shame.
What Is Abandonment Sensitivity?
Abandonment sensitivity refers to the heightened emotional response to perceived or actual rejection, separation, or neglect. For many, it feels like a survival threat—even if the situation is objectively minor.
This isn’t just about clinginess or low self-esteem. It’s a nervous system wound, often shaped by early life experiences and the way our brains are wired.
Why It Happens
BPD and CPTSD: The Early Wound
People with Borderline Personality Disorder or Complex PTSD often grew up in chaotic, neglectful, or invalidating environments. When caregivers were inconsistent or emotionally unavailable, the brain learned: Connection is unstable. I must cling or disappear to survive.
BPD is characterized by intense fears of abandonment and unstable relationships (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). CPTSD—common in those who’ve endured long-term trauma—can also carry deep mistrust and hypervigilance, causing people to scan for signs they’re being left.
ADHD: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
Those with ADHD often experience Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)—a severe emotional reaction to real or perceived criticism or rejection. This isn’t just “taking things personally”—it’s a sharp, overwhelming pain that can lead to withdrawal, lashing out, or shutting down (Dodson, 2018).
Years of being misunderstood, called “lazy” or “too much,” or struggling socially can make our nervous systems leap into “I’m being rejected!” mode without warning.
Autism: Relational Confusion and Social Trauma
Autistic people often grow up being othered, masked, or punished for just being themselves. This social trauma can make relationships feel confusing and precarious. Misreading social cues or being misunderstood creates constant doubt: Did I say something wrong? Are they mad? Am I safe here?
Autistic burnout and sensory overload can also cause someone to pull away—then feel guilt and fear that they've ruined the relationship.
What It Feels Like
Panic when someone doesn't text back
Overanalyzing tone or silence
Testing people: "Do you really care?"
Feeling invisible or too much
Emotional whiplash between closeness and pulling away
Thinking, “I ruin everything.”
Sudden urges to end things before someone else does
It’s not always logical, and that’s okay. These are emotional flashbacks—your nervous system trying to protect you from pain it’s felt before.
What You Can Do
Name What’s Happening
Instead of “I’m being dramatic,” try:
“This is abandonment sensitivity. My brain is trying to keep me safe.”
Naming the experience helps separate it from your identity. You are not your reaction. You are someone having a reaction.
Use Soothing Self-Talk
Try saying:
“This feeling is old. It makes sense. But it doesn’t mean I’m being left.”
“They might just be tired or busy. I can wait and care for myself in the meantime.”
“I don’t need to act on this fear right now.”
Ground Into the Present
Do something sensory: hold ice, splash cold water, breathe deeply, or name five things you can see. This tells your body, “I am not in danger right now.”
Make Repair Plans
Have a plan for when you’re spiraling—text a trusted friend, journal it out, or have a playlist that soothes you. It helps to externalize the pain instead of letting it fester inside.
Therapy and Community
A trauma-informed or neurodivergent-affirming therapist can help you rewrite the stories abandonment left behind. Group support or online communities can also help you feel less alone.
What to Say to Yourself
When it hits hard, and the fear of being left feels unbearable, try telling yourself:
“I’ve felt this before and survived. I can breathe through this wave.”
“I don’t need to beg, perform, or disappear. I deserve love as I am.”
“Even if they don’t respond right now, I am not unworthy.”
“This pain is real, but it doesn’t define me.”
I’ve had to relearn what connection means. That I can be loved and imperfect, that silence doesn’t always mean danger. That people can leave and it doesn’t mean I was unlovable.
I still get triggered. I still feel the ache. But I’ve built a bridge back to myself—one that reminds me I’m not the scared kid anymore. I’m someone learning how to stay, even when it hurts.
So if you’re there too—standing in the wreckage of old wounds, wondering why it still hurts so much—I see you. And you’re not alone in this.
Sources:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.).
Dodson, W. (2018). Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD. ADDitude Magazine. https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd
Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness.
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.