When Your Need to Control Becomes Too Much

There’s a quiet moment in therapy when someone realizes that their need to control everything—their partner’s actions, their child’s emotions, their calendar down to the minute—isn’t making them feel safe anymore. It’s just making them feel tired. It’s also often pushing people away.

Control isn’t always loud or obvious. Sometimes, it looks like perfectionism, overplanning, people-pleasing, or rigid routines. Sometimes, it comes from a deep, anxious need to predict and prevent pain. But when control takes the wheel, we stop listening, trusting, and connecting.

So what causes this urge to control—and how do we begin to loosen its grip?

Where It Comes From: The Psychology Behind Control

Wanting control isn’t inherently bad. In fact, having a sense of control over our environment is linked to reduced stress and improved well-being (Langer & Rodin, 1976). But when we try to control things outside of us—especially other people—that’s often rooted in fear or trauma.

Here are a few common contributors:

Childhood Chaos or Unpredictability
Growing up in an environment where love, attention, or safety felt unpredictable can lead to the development of controlling behaviors as a survival mechanism. Controlling can feel like the only way to prevent harm or abandonment (Herman, 1992).

Anxiety and Hypervigilance
For those with anxiety, controlling every variable can feel like the only way to prevent catastrophe. It’s the brain saying, “If I know what’s going to happen, I won’t get hurt.” But life, by nature, is unpredictable—and trying to micromanage it is exhausting (Clark & Beck, 2012).

Low Trust in Others
When you've been let down or betrayed, it’s natural to want to take the reins. But mistrust, especially when left unspoken, often leads to controlling behavior disguised as “helping” or “being responsible.”

When Control Becomes Too Much

You might be slipping into over-control if:

• You get anxious when others don’t follow your plan

• You struggle to delegate or trust others' decisions

• You react strongly to surprises or spontaneity

• Your relationships feel tense or one-sided

• You feel resentful when others don’t “do it right”

Over time, this behavior can backfire. Controlling people often feel misunderstood or unappreciated. Partners may become distant or rebellious. Children may grow up feeling suffocated or unable to trust their own instincts. And at the core of it all, the person doing the controlling is often exhausted and lonely.

Consequences: The Emotional and Relational Cost

Loss of Connection
People who feel controlled often stop sharing authentically. Intimacy fades because trust erodes—on both sides.

Unintended Hurt
Controlling behavior can come across as manipulative or patronizing, even if the intention was protection or love. This can harm relationships with partners, kids, friends, or coworkers.

Self-Erosion
Ironically, those who control others the most often feel the least in control of themselves. The constant effort to manage everyone else’s reactions can disconnect you from your own needs and intuition.

Healing the Need to Control

Letting go of control isn’t easy. It’s not about becoming passive or careless—it’s about trusting yourself and others enough to share the load.

Here’s where to begin:

Name the Fear
Ask yourself: What am I afraid will happen if I let go? Often, the answer reveals an old wound—fear of abandonment, failure, or being hurt again. Naming it gives you power.

Build Tolerance for Uncertainty
Practicing mindfulness or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help increase distress tolerance and reduce the need to immediately “fix” or control every situation (Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson, 2011).

Repair Trust Through Communication
Be honest with loved ones. You might say, “I realize I’ve been trying to control things because I’m scared. I want to trust more and let go.” Vulnerability builds bridges.

Work With a Therapist

Therapy can help you unpack the deeper reasons behind your need to control. It also provides you with tools to develop healthier boundaries, manage anxiety, and foster more fulfilling relationships.

In the End: You Don’t Have to Hold It All Together

Control is often a well-meaning protector. But over time, it becomes a cage—for you and everyone around you.

Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’re learning to care in ways that don’t cost your peace, your relationships, or your health.

You are not safer because you hold it all. You are safer because you trust yourself enough not to.

Sources:

• Clark, D. A., & Beck, A. T. (2012). The Anxiety and Worry Workbook.

• Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change.

• Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery.

• Langer, E. J., & Rodin, J. (1976). The effects of choice and enhanced personal responsibility for the aged: A field experiment in an institutional setting. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 34(2), 191–198.