The Healing Canvas: Validation and why it’s important
In the journey of healing and building fulfilling relationships, one concept that repeatedly comes up is validation. But what does it mean to validate someone? Why is it so important? And what happens when we don’t receive it?
Understanding Validation
At its core, validation is the act of acknowledging and accepting someone’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences. When we validate someone, we communicate that their internal experience matters and that it makes sense, even if we might not fully agree or understand. According to Dr. Karyn Hall, a psychologist and author, validation tells the other person, "I see you, I hear you, and what you're feeling is real and understandable" (Hall, 2021).
Imagine you’re sharing a difficult experience with someone close to you, and they respond with a simple, “That sounds really tough.” This seemingly small act can make us feel seen and comforted, often easing the emotional weight we’re carrying. In contrast, if they brush it off with a “Stop being so sensitive” or “You’re overreacting,” the message we receive is that our emotions are unimportant, confusing, or irrational. This is called invalidation, and it can be surprisingly damaging.
Why Lack of Validation Hurts
When our feelings are dismissed or invalidated, it creates a rift between our inner experience and what’s acknowledged by those around us. Over time, this disconnection can lead to a cycle of self-doubt, emotional withdrawal, and even depression. The need for validation is deeply tied to our sense of worth and belonging. Dr. Linehan, a leading psychologist, points out that when we are invalidated, especially in childhood or during formative relationships, we might start to doubt our own perceptions and worth, developing a reliance on others to define our feelings and self-worth (Linehan, 1993).
Lack of validation can also amplify feelings of shame, guilt, and self-criticism, which can hinder our ability to trust and open up to others. A study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin revealed that people who experience frequent invalidation report feeling misunderstood and rejected, often avoiding future connections out of fear of further invalidation (Kross et al., 2011).
The Impact on Relationships and Intimacy
Validation isn’t only important in individual healing; it’s a foundation for strong, trusting relationships. When we validate each other’s experiences, we create a safe space where vulnerability is met with compassion rather than judgment. This is crucial for intimacy — in both friendships and romantic relationships. When we’re consistently validated, we feel safe to open up, share our innermost thoughts, and foster a deeper connection.
Invalidation, however, can break that trust. When we constantly feel misunderstood or dismissed, it can lead to emotional distancing. We might stop sharing our thoughts or feelings altogether, fearing they won’t be valued. In extreme cases, consistent invalidation in relationships can lead to a cycle where partners or friends feel emotionally disconnected, contributing to resentment and the gradual erosion of intimacy.
Psychologist Dr. Karen Young explains, “If we don’t feel heard, we stop talking. If we don’t feel understood, we start to feel alone. And when we feel alone, the distance between us widens” (Young, 2019). Validating someone doesn’t mean we have to agree with them. It means we respect their experience as real and meaningful.
How to Validate Others (and Yourself)
Validation is a skill anyone can learn and practice. Here are some practical ways to validate others — and yourself:
Listen Fully: Give them your full attention without interrupting. Sometimes, people just need to feel heard.
Acknowledge Their Feelings: Reflect their feelings back to them. Try, “That sounds really hard” or “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
Avoid Judgment: Refrain from phrases like “Just get over it” or “That’s not a big deal.” These comments can minimize their experience and feel dismissive.
Practice Self-Validation: We can also learn to validate ourselves. Acknowledge your own feelings and experiences without judging or dismissing them. Self-validation reinforces that our emotions are valid, which can be healing on its own.
The Healing Power of Validation
Validation is not about fixing someone’s problems. It’s about showing empathy, understanding, and respect for their feelings and experiences. When we validate, we create connections, bridge differences, and open the doors to intimacy. As you practice validating others — and yourself — you’ll likely notice the shift in your relationships, feeling closer, more understood, and more open.
In a world where everyone’s experience is unique, validation can be the bridge that helps us truly see and support each other.
Sources:
Hall, Karyn. The Power of Validation: Understanding and Improving Emotional Regulation. New Harbinger Publications, 2021.
Kross, Ethan, et al. "Social Rejection and the Effect of Invalidation on Emotional Health." Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, vol. 37, no. 5, 2011, pp. 689-697.
Linehan, Marsha. Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press, 1993.
Young, Karen. "Validation: What It Means and Why It’s Essential for Strong Relationships." Hey Sigmund, 2019.